As mothers, it's the heartbreaking truth that our children will grow up and our roll as a mother will change; however, if we focus on the blessings, the good is yet is come.
I found myself fighting back tears as I set my baby’s newborn outfit aside for the last time only to be boxed away. An attempt to encapsulate a memory of his little body so small as he grows right before my eyes. I recalled my first baby. I longed for him to smile, coo and grow. As I enter this new chapter of life with my fourth, I’ve never been so desperate to slow life down. To embrace every second of his tiny little fingers wrapped around mine, his newborn grunts and squirms. I want his sweet scent to linger for the years to come and to listen to his tiny fast breaths in my ear endlessly.
I swore I was done, really DONE while I was waddling around FOURTY-ONE weeks pregnant and oh so miserable while chasing around three kiddos. Crying to my husband, “Never again!” Now my heart, my soul, my mind, my womb wants these days back that haven’t yet escaped me. Four weeks ago I embraced my tiny, perfect newborn just seconds old. I listened to his powerful cry as he took his first breaths and embraced his naked little body on mine with intention, absorbing all the details to engrave in my memory. Never again would I embrace him so frail and small. I write this while his little body now a month old is draped across my chest, his arms wrapped around either side of me and his warm breath against my neck. It’s almost cruel how quickly the days pass. It’s as though you want to throw out a line to hook onto time and reel it in only to appreciate it a little longer, but it's a losing battle...your line breaks and you watch it escape faster than before.
I longed for the days of motherhood just yesterday and now I’m facing the reality that my childbearing days are nearing an end. Where has the time gone? I’m now experiencing a mourning I never anticipated. I selfishly want to freeze time, to cling to their little bodies, their wildly adventurous and free spirits, their giggles and their unconditional love for me.
As I lay here in self pity over my own selfish needs and desires I’m reminded of the life that all of my babies have in store for them. Lives that I have been granted the opportunity to be a part of and to guide them through. I am blessed to watch them grow and develop. I get to excitedly anticipate the adults they will become, the careers they will take on and the lives they will live. My roll as a mother will be forever evolving and changing in my children's' lives. My job now is to share my love, teach them life lessons, give them guidance, show them God’s grace and to sit back and watch their lives unfold.
They never tell you that the hardest part of motherhood is watching your children grow up. Your heart is in these little bodies running around at your feet that will one day take your heart with them into the world. I’m recognizing I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to face the inevitable of aging, the transition from toddlers to tweens to teens. I’m not ready for these days to be a distant memory, but I’m realizing I’ll never be ready. These days will pass, my children will grow. I can dwell on the past or look forward to their bright futures and maybe even sleeping in, an uninterrupted cup of coffee, going to the bathroom without an audience or my own new endeavors and suddenly it doesn’t all seem that bad... Life is full of different seasons. Each season should be embraced with an open mind, love and intention. Yes, their precious little hugs will pass, but they will forever hold my heart.
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