Motherhood Vs. Perfectionism

Between our internalized standards and societies ideal, perfectionism is an ever lingering goal that deteriorates our self worth, so why allow it to rule us?

The house is quiet. It’s 1:00 am. I’m up, basking in the silence. Soaking up the cleanliness of my kitchen that will only last until morning before little feet will venture out of their rooms and little fingers will pry open the refrigerator doors only to unleash another mess. My clothes are spattered with spit up, remanence of sand from the sandbox are caught between the seams of my clothing and the whirlwind of bed time has left me questioning if I brushed the kids teeth. My house is asleep, yet I’m sitting at my kitchen table. I haven’t moved in nearly an hour. Thinking, over-analyzing. A question reels in my mind, “Am I doing it right?” A question I’ve reflected on countless times, lost sleep over and perseverated on. I want to raise my children to be the best version of themselves that they can be. My sole purpose is to guide them into the next phase of their lives; teach them respect, integrity, work ethic, responsibilities, manners, love and God’s word. To educate them on both life's little lessons and big lessons. To guide them through this journey and help them navigate their lives as we face these seasons together. What an incredibly rewarding job that God entrusted in me and graciously gifted me.

I look at the mess on my clothes left from sticky hands and feel the food crusted in my hair from curious fingers. I recognize the tightness in my chest beginning to subside from the stress of the day. Anxiety begins to creep up on me again as thoughts come rolling in. The pressure of perfection lingers in the back of my mind. Self-doubt looms overhead...The lack of confidence in myself and my abilities overwhelms me for a moment. I recognize that it is so incredibly easy to get caught up in the world, in motherhood and the everyday to do’s. It’s hard to admit that God often gets put on the back burner, when His word should be at the forefront of my thoughts and actions. My poor confidence and overwhelm leads me to scripture. 2 Corinthians 12:9  “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Again...”My Power is made perfect in weakness.” God empowers me, strengthens me and leads me, especially when I am weak and in a moment of self-doubt. I have to learn to trust in my abilities, hold strong to my value and have faith in Him. Unfortunately, I am confident that I don't face this internal battle alone, especially in this day and age of social media.

Why as moms, as women, do we find the need to achieve a certain level of perfection. We have established and internalized standards that must be successfully met in order to feel confident, capable and of value. We label ourselves as failures, not good enough or unworthy. We compare ourselves and our accomplishments to those around us as we scroll through polished faces of Instagram, spotless homes of Pinterest and glorified outings captured on Facebook. I will find myself browsing Pinterest and spot a picture of a mom with flawless hair wearing a crisp white t-shirt, Starbucks in hand with a baby on her hip, posing perfectly in a living room that is fit for a Pottery Barn magazine. Naturally, I compare. It’s not my reality and I’m confident it’s not yours, but we compare, it’s in our nature. Odds are the mom that seems to “have it all together” is far from what appears to be perfect. Chances are she is battling the same struggles we each face daily and who knows, maybe even more. I know when I have a Starbucks in hand, you’ll find me in my mini-van, kids strapped in while I’m making my rounds around town for some peace, quiet and caffeine. My shirt is almost always with a stain. My living room looks like a bomb went off more often than not and my hair is in what I call a “glorified messy bun” that I spruce up with a girly clip to hide the lack of time, effort and over use of dry shampoo.

We have to remember that social media is a warped reality. It’s manipulated, altered and staged to create and share a false sense of perfection. We compare our appearances, our post baby figures, our parenting skills, our marriages and relationships based on moments captured in time captioned with appealing descriptions or hashtags. But these pictures represent just that, a moment captured in time. It does not depict the reality behind the picture of the thoroughly staged kitchen before a photo-op of cooking with a toddler, or the pristine living room with a couch that holds a smiling family, agitatedly nudging one another and sneering behind their smiles as they attempt to get that perfect shot. Society has created this ideal, this false and unobtainable reality yet somehow we strive to achieve it. Being a mom is hard enough. Why should we feel the need to meet these standards? Who are we trying to impress and why? It’s as though by sharing this false persona of our lives we are reassured by the feedback, likes and followers when in reality, we are basing our self worth on the responses received from a fictitious and deceptive world. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, perfect in our Creator’s eyes and especially in the eyes of our precious babies. What more reassurance do we need?

The comparison game is crippling, perfectionism is debilitating, but your self worth is priceless. You have attributes that someone else longs to obtain. You are worth far more than you give yourself credit. You have so much more value than you believe and you are far more appreciated, respected and admired than you realize. I’ll give you some examples... I am awesome at showing my kids love, affection and teaching them their worth, and I struggle with discipline. I’m great at coming up with fun activities, crafts or outings, yet I am awful at sitting down and playing with them and thoroughly enjoying it. We all have areas we succeed in, areas we are mediocre and areas we are weak. Why not love and appreciate the amazing attributes we DO have. Instead of comparing ourselves, why not recognize our own areas of weakness, determine what we want to change and reach for those goals based off self-reflection. Personalized, achievable and self-fulfilling goals. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, perfection is in the eye of the beholder. To me, my perfect is my messy living room created by my children making memories. It’s my spit-up stained t-shirt that serves as a sweet reminder of my precious baby’s full belly. It’s the dishes in my sink waiting to be cleaned that represent the little mouths I’ve been blessed to feed. It’s the headship that I strive to honor and respect within my household for my husband. My little world is a beautiful imperfect mess of rambunctious little bodies, lots of love for each other and lots of love for God. Comparing myself to others only depletes the value I hold in my heart for my family and myself. We should never seek to achieve societies ideal, but we should seek to become the best version of ourselves. So here’s to every mom and every woman. Let’s be honest and open with one another and embrace our imperfections. Give yourself permission to be real. Learn to love your flaws and don’t be ashamed of them, rather, embrace them. You can allow the world to define your self worth, your abilities and your value or you can define them. How will you be defined?